CHARACTERS:
Lane, a doctor, a woman in her early fifties. She wears white.
Matilde, Lane’s cleaning lady, a woman in her late twenties. She wears black. She is Brazilian. She has a refined sense of deadpan.
Virginia, Lane’s sister, a woman in her late fifties.
Charles, Lane’s husband, a man in his fifties. A compassionate surgeon. He is child like underneath his white coat. In the first Act, Charles plays Matilde’s father.
Ana, a woman who is older than Lane*. She is Argentinean. She is impossibly charismatic. In the first Act she plays Matilde’s mother.
*Ana is named as sixty-seven within the dialogue. This number may be changed from production to production if need be.
NOTE:
Everyone in this play should be able to tell a really good joke.
SET:
A white living room.
White couch, white vase, white lamp, white rug.
A balcony.
PLACE:
A metaphysical Connecticut. Or, a house that is not far from the city and not far from the sea.
1. Matilde
Matilde tells a long joke in Portuguese to the audience.
We can tell she is telling a joke even though we might not understand the language.
She finishes the joke.
She exits.
2. Lane
Lane, to the audience.
LANE:
It has been such a hard month.
My cleaning lady—from Brazil—decided that she was depressed one day and stopped cleaning my house.
I was like:
clean my house!
And she wouldn’t!
We took her to the hospital and I had her medicated and she Still Wouldn’t Clean.
And—in the meantime—I’ve been cleaning my house!
I’m sorry, but I did not go to medical school to clean my own house.
3. Virginia
Virginia, to the audience .
VIRGINIA:
People who give up the privilege of cleaning their own houses—they’re insane people.
If you do not clean: how do you know if you’ve made any progress in life? I love dust. The dust always makes progress. Then I remove the dust. That is progress.
If it were not for dust I think I would die. If there were no dust to clean then there would be so much leisure time and so much thinking time and I would have to do something besides thinking and that thing might be to slit my wrists.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha just kidding.
I’m not a morbid person. That just popped out!
My sister is a wonderful person. She’s a doctor. At an important hospital. I’ve always wondered how one hospital can be more important than another hospital. They are places for human waste. Places to put dead bodies.
I’m sorry. I’m being morbid again.
My sister has given up the privilege of cleaning her own house. Something deeply personal—she has given up. She does not know how long it takes the dust to accumulate under her bed. She does not know if her husband is sleeping with a prostitute because she does not smell his dirty underwear. All of these things, she fails to know.
I know when there is dust on the mirror. Don’t misunderstand me—I’m an educated woman. But if I were to die at any moment during the day, no one would have to clean my kitchen.
4. Matilde
Matilde, to the audience.
MATILDE:
The story of my parents is this. It was said that my father was the funniest man in his village. He did not marry until he was sixty-three because he did not want to marry a woman who was not funny. He said he would wait until he met his match in wit.
And then one day he met my mother. He used to say: your mother—and he would take a long pause— (Matilde takes a long pause)—is funnier than I am. We have never been apart since the day we met, because I always wanted to know the next joke.
My mother and father did not look into each other’s eyes. They laughed like hyenas. Even when they made love they laughed like hyenas. My mother was old for a mother. She refused many proposals. It would kill her, she said, to have to spend her days laughing at jokes that were not funny.
(Pause.)
I wear black because I am in mourning. My mother died last year. Have you ever heard the expression ‘I almost died laughing?’ Well that’s what she did. The doctors couldn’t explain it. They argued, they said she choked on her own spit, but they don’t really know. She was laughing at one of my father’s jokes. A joke he took one year to make up, for the anniversary of their marriage. When my mother died laughing, my father shot himself. And so I came here, to clean this house.
5. Lane and Matilde
Lane enters.
Matilde is looking out the window.
LANE:
Are you alright?
MATILDE:
Yes.
LANE:
Would you please clean the bathroom when you get a chance?
MATILDE:
Yes.
LANE:
Soon?
MATILDE:
Yes.
Matilde looks at Lane.
LANE:
The house is very dirty.
Matilde is silent.
LANE:
This is difficult for me. I don’t like to order people around. I’ve never had a live-in maid.
Matilde is silent.
LANE:
Matilde—what did you do in your country before you came to the United States?
MATILDE:
I was a student. I studied humor. You know—jokes.
LANE:
I’m being serious.
MATILDE:
I’m being serious too. My parents were the funniest people in Brazil And then they died.
LANE:
I’m sorry.
That must be very difficult.
MATILDE:
I was the third funniest person in my family. Then my parents died, making me the first funniest. There was no one left to laugh at my jokes, so I left.
LANE:
That’s very interesting. I don’t—always--understand the arts. Listen. Matilde. I understand that you have a life, an emotional life—and that you are also my cleaning lady. If I met you at—say—a party—and you said, I am from a small village in Brazil, and my parents were comedians, I would say: that’s very interesting. You sound like a very interesting woman.
But life is about context.
And I have met you in the context of my house, where I have hired you to clean. And I don’t want an interesting person to clean my house. I just want my house—cleaned.
Lane is on the verge of tears.
MATILDE:
Is something wrong?
LANE:
No, it’s just that—I don’t like giving orders in my own home. It makes me--uncomfortable. I want you to do all the things I want you to do without my having to tell you.
MATILDE:
Do you tell the nurses at the hospital what to do?
LANE:
Yes.
MATILDE:
Then pretend I am your nurse.
LANE:
Okay.
Nurse—would you polish the silver, please.
MATILDE:
A doctor does not say: Nurse—would you polish the silver, please.
A doctor says: Nurse—polish the silver.
LANE:
You’re right. Nurse: polish the silver.
MATILDE:
Yes, doctor.
Matilde gets out silver polish and begins polishing.
Lane watches her for a moment, then exits.
6. Matilde
Matilde stops cleaning.
MATILDE:
This is how I imagine my parents.
Music.
A dashing couple appears.
MATILDE:
They are dancing.
They are not the best dancers in the world.
They laugh until laughing makes them kiss.
They kiss until kissing makes them laugh.
They dance.
They laugh until laughing makes them kiss.
They kiss until kissing makes them laugh.
Matilde watches.
